African Girl’s Informal Guide To Online Dating Part 2

It was one of those moments, so overwhelming in its hilarity and so shocking I blinked  8 times in close succession. One of those moments so absurd, my brain took a quick break before processing and even then, the only thing it could come up with was “What the fuck?”  I knew I had to record it for posterity so I took a screen shot.

And thus, I was introduced to reason number one why online dating is not for the faint of heart, especially if you are a black girl on a non-black specific dating site. You become every streetwalker who walks the ghettos. The more polite ones will simply not talk to you, but some like old boy up above will try to break the ice in their own special way.

I honestly don’t know what he was trying to achieve or if he actually expected me to respond, but the wording of this message as well as other messages and in person experiences I had, make me believe strongly that truly, to many many non black people, all of us black girls are LaShoniqua on the corner. They talk to you in ebonics and quote rap songs. They make reference to BET TV shows and if you were to get irritated by the ridiculousness, they make reference to the angry black woman and the neck roll. If I had a dollar for  every time some guy messaged me and it included a question of how well I could twerk. I could probably make bank as some strippers do without even  touching a pole.

The ones who actually get that you are not African American and even if you were, that this sub culture is as foreign to you as it is to them, are no better. Every stereotypical black/white conversation will be your portion.

Ladies, online dating is not where you go to practice the good manners and breeding your mama taught you. Life will be so much more simpler for you if you just ignored the guys who messaged you and who you have no interest in pursuing things with. Seriously. Polite pikin, trying to find good karma that I am, I started out sending nice little“Thanks for asking, but no” messages and even tried to explain why I was saying no. That blew up in my face. If you know you don’t want to pursue things for whatever reason, do not respond. Trust me on this one.

Some will message you and offer you money for sex. Ignore.
Some will tell you how they just want to do really bad things to your big juicy lips. Ignore
Your world famous black girl bum will be mentioned. Ignore
Some will catch jungle fever after looking at your picture. Ignore
Some will tell you how they’ve always wanted to try a black girl. Ignore

That being said, this was a phenomenon I witnessed more on the non paying sites, which I already stated tend to be meat markets.

If you are looking for a relationship, you have better odds of success by sticking to the paid sites.

Even there, here are some guys to watch out for.

The Guy Who Can’t Take a Hint.

You have winked at me and liked all my pictures. I check out your profile (you can see that I did) and make no response to you. You continue to wink at me. Over and over and over and over. I continue to ignore you. Then you send me a message “If you just got to know me…” Well, I read your profile. You say clearly that you’re looking for a girl who enjoys the traditional roles of womanhood and lets her man “be the man.” I want nothing to do with that, whatever that means. Or your pictures show you posing with several guns, and shooting is a sport for you. Great! But no thanks and I sure as hell am not getting into a gun control debate with you.

The thing about responding is that you get drawn into a long and pointless conversation which almost always will end up with the guy calling you shallow or some other nasty name, for rejecting him. Save yourself the stress.

Ignore. Block if you have to.

The Guy Who Goes MIA

You start talking. Messaging each other back and forth, exchange cell phone numbers even. It’s fun! He’s smart with a good sense of humor and not bad to look at either. You’re planning to meet or even do meet and go on a couple of dates.

And then one day, he just stops communicating.

Don’t try to understand why. Some things cannot be understood. Feel your sad feelings and carry on.

The Black Guy Who Thinks You Should Choose Him, Because You’re Both Black

Need I say more?


The “Interesting Friend” Collector

You are the filet mignon for these types of guys. The caviar, the prime rib. The chicken gizzard, the nyama-ngoro in the eru full of kanda. You’re foreign, exotic, smart, your worldview is very different and well informed. You are educated and cultured. He will talk to you, take you out on dates, introduce you to his friends and family. You will go along, blissfully unaware of how deep into the friend zone you are. You will think you both are just taking time to get to know each other. Then one day, he will introduce you to his new girlfriend.

The Guy Who Just Wants To Be Friends

Ummm…Oga, what part of dating site did you miss? Unless this one was of those situations where you talked and met and both agreed that “just friends” is the best option:

You do not “just be friends” with a guy you like as more than a friend. What you are doing is sticking around hoping he changes his mind after he sees how great a girl you are. You have thus become The Girl Who Can’t Take A Hint. Ain’t nobody got time for that. It’s going to hurt walking away but, believe me, you WANT to walk away from this one.

I could go on and on and you ladies who have tried this can probably tell me more.

Women are guilty of this too. I know I have gone MIA on a couple of guys. 

The bottom line is if you do choose to try this out, be ready. Develop a thick skin. KNOW WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, and put a time limit on your membership because the one last type of guy you should watch out for is…

The Lifer a.k.a The Serial Monogamist

He’s been on the site since 2005. Hundreds of dates, relationships and hook-ups later, he is still there actively searching. One thing to do when you see this one:

2 thoughts on “African Girl’s Informal Guide To Online Dating Part 2

  1. looool. After reading Part 1 and 2, I REALLY wanna host this speed-dating event in Douala…

    I can bet you that even here, some of these hang-ups and character traits will show up. As you say, a guy is a guy is a guy.


  2. Speed dating event in Douala? Mamamiye! I would love to be a fly on the wall for those conversations!


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